Me. At least after what I've been through.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
