i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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