Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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