Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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