I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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