he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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