I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
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It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
These tits shall not be calmed
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he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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