oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
so let's talk penis.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
