Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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