It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
