NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She's the barista slut.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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Less talking, more tequila
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
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You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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