I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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