Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
