this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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