I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize