Your face is a jimmy john
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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