I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
