I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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