Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
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I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
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She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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