I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
