I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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