3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
