mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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