I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
