that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
