if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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