Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
