In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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