I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
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The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
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I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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