Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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