So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
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