From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
