yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
