Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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