i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
