He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
