Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
