hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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