I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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