I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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