My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
