she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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