Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
