dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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