grandma shit on top of the toilet
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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