My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
