Fine. I'll sleep in my office
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
