She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
