peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
