Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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