I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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