dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
