My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
