I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
