Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
