Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
