I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
